Buffy's Diary
December 7-9, 1997

Timeline: Starts after dinner with Ted

(Entry made after dinner, Dec. 7)

That's it. Mom may be walking around in a Ted daze, but if he threatens me again I'm going to have to take him up on it. Threats, I don't do. I don't take that kind of crap from the undead or any assortment of demons and I'm absolutely not going to take it from him again. He definitely sees me as a threat, because he's setting up situations to tick me off. Something's going on here. If he was for real, he'd make a real effort. This is not a real effort, this smells like a conquest. Mom doesn't have money, otherwise it would be obvious. It's something else.

I went to Ted's office today. "The machine", they call him. So, he's got a marriage date lined up, and he didn't ask Mom, he just assumed she'd take him up on it. I'm not sure what his angle is, but she thinks she's in love with him. IN LOVE. She doesn't believe anything I say. She's acting DRUGGED.

"I'm not going anywhere," he says. He really thinks it's that easy, to waltz in and take over a life. It's not that easy.

I need to go kill something ugly.

(Entry made early morning, Dec 8)

I don't know what to do but I can't face Angel right now, because I can't tell him I killed someone. I guess right now I know how it feels, to have done something you're really ashamed of, that you really regret.. I don't see how I had any options. But I guess, neither did Angel. The problem is, I'm not controlled by a demon. I was controlled by my own anger. I was hoping Ted would hit me. And now he's dead. Mom will never forgive me for that. I just know she won't. I had issues, Xander was right. I did. And I knew I could hurt him, and I hurt him. I killed him.

I guess I should probably worry about what the cops are going to do, but I can't even care what happens now. I'm not the person I thought I was. I guess I always thought, deep down anyway, that I was decent. I'm not sure anymore. Decent people don't kill other people just because they don't like them. Maybe it happens to Slayers, I don't know...you have a licence to kill vampires, so maybe it erodes your humanity, maybe it makes it easier to kill anybody.I don't want to be like that. I never wanted to be like that. I really didn't mean to kill him.

He just kept kept fighting so hard....

Nobody is going to believe me about this. Maybe they shouldn't.

I wish I could just stay in my room for a while. I don't even know what to say to Giles. He'll be so ashamed of me. I can't face Mom, and she doesn't want to talk to me anyway. What would Angel think of me? I'm a murderer.

I don't know what to do. I killed someone. I killed someone.


Mom won't talk to me.

Everybody is walking around me like...like I'm a murderer, which I am. Will and Xand are being very nice about it but I know they're shocked and now they don't know what to think anymore. This always seems to happen....but it's not because I'm the Slayer...or is it? I don't know which is worse, home or school. But it's not them. It's living with myself. Giles was gentle to me but I must have disgraced him, it must be so horrible for him. Angel would be so put off by me now. He never did anything like this, not when he had a soul.

I wish Mom would just talk to me. I just want to tell her that I didn't mean to, that he really was fighting me...would she even believe me? I'm always in trouble, but I can't blame this on vampires. I can't blame it on anybody else. Maybe I'm not safe to be around, maybe the cops and everybody else are right.

I can't think about this anymore. Not right now. Maybe Mom will talk to me later. I'm going to do the only other thing that really relaxes me, I'm going to polish stakes.

(Early AM, Dec. 9)

Thank God for my sometimes-unappreciated friends. They really came through tonight. Willow and Xand came right over and got Ted, I'm so glad Mom was out for all of it. At least she doesn't have a concussion or anything. God, when I got him with the frying pan and his face split open and he was MACHINERY underneath at first I thought I was having one big long dream these last few days. It explains everything. Well, sort of.

Willow and Xander. I was so unfair before, they never stopped believing in me. They really didn't. I'm so lucky. I never knew anybody could have friends like that, much less somebody with complications like me. I'm not easy to hang out with, but they stuck by me, the whole time. They went and investigated Ted, and then they helped me explain it all to Mom. After we all made Ted disappear.

I am so RELIEVED I can't even see straight! I didn't kill anybody. That was close...or maybe it wasn't. I had a really strong urge to take him out right from the beginning, so maybe my instincts are good. But you can't be too careful. Ever.

I'm just glad it's over. And I'm glad I'm not a murderer.

And maybe next time there's a weird situation Mom will actually listen to me.

That's pushing it.