It's 5:30, so the Bronze is closed. I hope he's not out...he's probably reading or something. He's fine. I'm sure he's fine.

I feel like I've been climbing a ladder and I didn't realize how far up I'd gotten, and I'm looking down and I know I won't survive the fall, I can't fall...all those rungs went by so slowly, I didn't know how far up I was...I feel sick looking down, feeling it for the first time, how much danger I'm really in, because I love him, and if I lose him...if I lose him, I lose too much, I lose my heart. I'd never be the same. Never.

I've never felt this way before! What IS it? No...I felt it once, when I heard the Prophesy, and I knew I was going to die...I felt it for a minute or two...it's a completely unleashed feeling, it's raw and too big, it's...loss of control and thought and everything. I've been writing this, PACING. I want to bolt out that window right now, I want to go and make sure everything is all right, GOD if something happens to him I will FREAK...

I'm so afraid. I'm actually crying because I'm so afraid...I wish I had someone to talk to, I wish...well, I do, and it's him...but I know I'm being stupid, I know it's just a dream. It was just a dream. I can't go running to him for every little thing. I've had lots of dreams before. Maybe when the sun comes up I'll feel better. I always feel better, then. Nightmares still have power in the dark.

It was the worst dream I've ever had in my life. In my life.

I feel like she's back. It couldn't be, but I feel it. I HATE this because I hate it when I know I'm right about something and I want to be wrong...When I kill vampires I want them dead, but not for personal reasons. But if Drucilla really was back, I would do her with my bare hands. I won't need a stake. I will rip her throat OUT. If she lays a hand on him I will make it worse for her than he ever did.

I'm being crazy, now. She's gone. She burnt up in the church. I did it myself! It was just a dream. But so real, like the dreams about the Master, I could smell her, the creeping rotten meat smell, with sickly-sweet violets on top of it. GOD...

I've got to stop this, I've got to get a grip. He's going to think I'm a nut. Grip, grip, don't go on like some whiney Cordelia! I've got to keep my grip. I should try to go back to bed. Or at least sit down.