Buffy's Diary
January 19, 1998

Timeline: Right after Buffy has her Drucilla nightmare in the opening of the episode, Surprise

Special thanks...big, wet SLOPPY thanks in fact, to Sare Liz and the Loft. I'll strive to be worthy.

It's 5:30, so the Bronze is closed. I hope he's not out...he's probably reading or something. He's fine. I'm sure he's fine.

I feel like I've been climbing a ladder and I didn't realize how far up I'd gotten, and I'm looking down and I know I won't survive the fall, I can't fall...all those rungs went by so slowly, I didn't know how far up I was...I feel sick looking down, feeling it for the first time, how much danger I'm really in, because I love him, and if I lose him...if I lose him, I lose too much, I lose my heart. I'd never be the same. Never.

I've never felt this way before! What IS it? No...I felt it once, when I heard the Prophesy, and I knew I was going to die...I felt it for a minute or two...it's a completely unleashed feeling, it's raw and too big, it's...loss of control and thought and everything. I've been writing this, PACING. I want to bolt out that window right now, I want to go and make sure everything is all right, GOD if something happens to him I will FREAK...

I'm so afraid. I'm actually crying because I'm so afraid...I wish I had someone to talk to, I wish...well, I do, and it's him...but I know I'm being stupid, I know it's just a dream. It was just a dream. I can't go running to him for every little thing. I've had lots of dreams before. Maybe when the sun comes up I'll feel better. I always feel better, then. Nightmares still have power in the dark.

It was the worst dream I've ever had in my life. In my life.

I feel like she's back. It couldn't be, but I feel it. I HATE this because I hate it when I know I'm right about something and I want to be wrong...When I kill vampires I want them dead, but not for personal reasons. But if Drucilla really was back, I would do her with my bare hands. I won't need a stake. I will rip her throat OUT. If she lays a hand on him I will make it worse for her than he ever did.

I'm being crazy, now. She's gone. She burnt up in the church. I did it myself! It was just a dream. But so real, like the dreams about the Master, I could smell her, the creeping rotten meat smell, with sickly-sweet violets on top of it. GOD...

I've got to stop this, I've got to get a grip. He's going to think I'm a nut. Grip, grip, don't go on like some whiney Cordelia! I've got to keep my grip. I should try to go back to bed. Or at least sit down.

But if I ever see him turn into dust I will die inside. It will kill me.