Buffy's Diary
Undated Entry on White Writing Paper

Timeline: Buffy wakes up in the middle of the night in Angel's bed to find him gone, a few hours after their escape from the Judge at the factory.

Special note: All dialogue marked with an * signifies dialogue that was written by the show's writers and not by me.

Where is he?

The rain stopped. My clothes are drying and I'm wearing the sweats he gave me to warm up in. Maybe any minute he'll come back and I'll have to explain what I'm doing at his desk. I hope so.

He wouldn't go back to the factory, he's not stupid. He doesn't hunt for food anymore, and butcher shops aren't open at four in the morning.

Sometimes he disappears for a while for no apparent reason. It would have to be that, because he didn't have a reason.

I mean, what could it have been? Why would he? The whole night was business as usual on the Hellmouth. Well, most of it. We got ambushed in the factory but we've been down before, we always figure out what to do and make a comeback.

Maybe he knows something about the Judge and needs to check it out. That's got to be it.

Because it couldn't be tonight, because I didn't say it first. He said it first. And I know he meant it, I KNOW it. It couldn't be that. He loves me. He told me.

I was freezing, because we ran through the rain to get away from Spike's men. He told me to put on some dry clothes and get under the covers to warm up. I started to but he was watching me, and I just looked at him because I didn't know what to say and then he remembered and turned his back.

"Sorry,"* he said. I felt my sweater stick to a cut, and he heard me make a noise and he almost turned around and he said,


"Oh, it's-um...I just have a cut or something,"*

"Can I-"* and then he changed his tone, it was almost like a lot of things changed in that moment, because then he told me, he didn't ask me, "Let me see,"*

I pulled my sweater to my chest because my top was wet, and then I said, "OK,"*

He came over to where I was sitting on the bed and he sat down in back of me and put his hands on me and I sobbed, because just an hour or so ago we'd been saying good bye for who knew how long, it was horrible, but now we were here and his hands were on my back.

"It's already closed, you're fine,"* he said, very softly, but his hand moved and slipped the strap of my top over my shoulder and I felt his hands trembling and the air went out of me. I leaned back against him and I was so happy that we were both alive and both here that I was starting to cry. His arms were going around me.

"You almost went away today,"* I said.

"I know,"* he said, "We both did,"*

I was trying to stop crying, "Angel...I feel like I lost you,"* I was crying and I couldn't help it, "You're right, though,"* I said, "We can't be sure of anything-"*

"Shhh,"* he said, and I leaned into his arms. He swallowed and I knew he was getting ready to say something.

"I-"* he said.

"You what?"* He almost said it on the dock, before we were attacked. Right after he gave me the ring.

I turned to face him. We both knew it was time for him to tell me. But then he said it.

"I love you,"* he said, and I lit up inside, I felt full of light. I didn't know how I would feel when he told me, and nothing could have made me ready.

"I try not to,"* he said, "But I can't stop,"* his voice broke a little.

I was fumbling for words.

"Me-me, too,"* I said lamely, "I can't either,"*

The air between us seemed to come apart, like the fibers of it were separating. I felt light, glowing and unbearably light. I kissed him and light was filling me up.

He tried one last time, to give me an out.

"Buffy, maybe we shouldn't-"* but he knew it was time, too.

"Don't,"* I put my fingers over his mouth, then I took his face in my hand, "Just kiss me,"*

We fell on the bed together, and he knew what I wanted, and I knew he wouldn't try to stop it now. But it wasn't like being out of control. It was like being home, like we had both come home. My heart was pounding in my ears, my nerves seemed to extend beyond my skin, I felt hyper-sensitive all over and completely naked, even though I was still in my wet clothes. But still, I was home, I was safe. I knew nothing bad would happen to me in his arms, ever.

We were really kissing now, a different kind of kisses than we ever had. I was lying on top of him and dipping my tongue into his mouth. We both knew what was going to happen and it made everything different. Neither one of us would hesitate now, or worry, or back off. I was moving against him and I could feel how hard he was, and I didn't feel embarrassed or anything. It was time.

I pulled on him, sitting him up with me. I looked at him for a long time, and then I reached down to take the hem of my top and I started to pull it off. He was brushing my wet hair back from my face, very gently, combing it with his fingers. Everything was moving like things do in a dream, slowly, sleepily. I swallowed, then I finally pulled it off over my head. He smiled at me so gently, he held my cheek in his hand and he looked down at me, then back into my eyes, and his eyes were so tender, they were almost swollen. He kissed me and pulled me against him and I sighed and hung on to him, I'd been really nervous in a way, but that was gone now. I put my hand on his chest and pushed him back, then I reached down to take the edges of his sweater and I pulled it off. He lifted his arms up and then he tossed the sweater away. I wrapped myself around him and I actually cried out because I felt him against me for the first time. He was so smooth and his body was so beautifully formed that I stopped breathing for a minute. We stayed like that for a while, kissing very lightly. Being skin-to-skin with him was a dizzy rush, I was shivering so hard that my teeth were almost chattering, my heart was pounding.

He stopped kissing me and looked at me, worried.

"You're still cold," he said.

"No," I said, "I'm not cold,"

I let my fingers move over the silk of him and I heard myself whimper. I almost felt silly, but then I looked at him, and his eyes were soft and bright. I sighed, running my hands over his wide, solid back, and feeling my body react to him. I was opening all over and deep inside, I wanted all of him. I slid my tongue into his mouth as far as it would go, holding on to his face. I kissed his throat and his chest, it was so wonderful to be able to kiss him all over, to kiss any part of him I wanted. His big hands were going up and down my back and over my arms and under my chin and around my neck, then over my chest. He cupped my breasts in his hands and just held them for a while, then he started stroking my nipples with delicate little motions. I almost bit into his lip, I was starting to lose it. I was making little sobbing sounds, I couldn't help it. I pushed him back on to the bed and laid on top of him, kissing him, big, starving kisses. He slid his fingers under the waistband of my pants and started peeling them off me, slowly. He pushed them down a ways, then his hands moved up over my back and into my hair. It's wonderful the way he always takes his time, but now it was driving me right to the edge, it was almost making me angry. I rolled off him and kicked off my shoes and pushed my pants all the way down and kicked them off, panties and all. I rolled back over and he was staring down at me as if he were watching a miracle. His hand swept gracefully over my hip and down my thigh and my leg to my foot, and he held my foot in his hand, rubbing my toes. He was gazing at me, his eyes traveling up and down, over and over, and he was shaking. He swallowed and stared into my eyes. He made a sound that wasn't a word, because he didn't have one. It would have been adorable at any time, but right then it almost brought tears to my eyes, because it was so real. He was really in awe.

I started to unbuckle his belt, but I kept my eyes on his. His lips parted and he relaxed, giving me complete control. I slipped off the bed and brought him with me. I went to my knees and pulled on him so he was standing up and I pulled the buckle loose, then the zipper down, looking up at him the whole time. His lips moved around a silent word, unconsciously. It was my name. I unlaced his shoes and pulled them off, and then his socks, and then I took a minute to touch his feet, because I never had. They were cool and smooth, and big. Even his feet were beautiful. I reached up and pulled his pants down and then over his feet. I'd only seen his legs that one time and I forgot how elegant they are, they're strong and lean, with nice lines in the muscle. My hands were starting to shake, and I was breathing raggedly. I slipped my fingers under the waist of his boxers and pulled them out and down, and there it was, tall and rigid. I slipped his boxers over his feet and closed my hand around his hardness and I actually heard myself say, "Oooo,". He grabbed my wrists and pulled me off the floor. He held me against him and we stood like that for a while, just holding each other and feeling it, that overwhelming dizziness.

Then it got the best of me. I pushed him onto the bed again. He kept his arms around me and pulled me with him. We laid next to each other and traced the lines of each other with wonder, our hands going everywhere. He ran his hand around the back of my neck and brought my face to his, and we kissed very lightly. It had the flow of a dream, everything going in a direction effortlessly, because we both wanted all the same things, without even thinking about it. His hand went between my legs so softly, the way he always touches me, just barely stroking, and his fingers were wet and he made a sound that was almost like a sigh. I looked at him and he was starting to look...different. He was flushed, and his skin was a little moist, he looked younger.

He started kissing me all over with real hunger, he was holding my face and then my back and taking mouthfuls of my skin, under my ears and the palms of my hands and my belly and my throat and my mouth, then he slid down and took my feet in his hands and started on them, tasting the bottoms of my feet, moving up slowly with big wet kisses, and everything he was doing was putting me in a kind of panic. His kisses got bigger and wetter on the insides of my legs. Suddenly he reached under me and flipped me over and then he was kissing the backs of my knees and taking big mouthfuls of my thighs, moving up so gradually, all the way up, biting gently into my behind, moving his tongue as though he was loving the taste of me, and then he slipped his thumbs between my legs, opening me, and nestled his mouth there. He smoothed his hands up over my back and reached for my hands, and as he held them he dipped his tongue deep into me. I cried out, and my voice was quavering, it was almost becoming too much. I was gripping his hands too hard but I couldn't help it. His tongue slipped up and down, reaching and caressing, so patiently, it was making me insane. He flipped me over again and wrapped his arms around my hips, and then he took that little spot in his mouth and sucked on it very lightly, moving his head back and forth and flicking his tongue. The heat came up suddenly and blinded me. It was almost like being hit, it happened so fast. Then I was just whining and trying to catch my breath as my body jerked, helplessly. He was moving his tongue deeper and licking up all the wetness, and then he started kissing his way up my belly. I was trembling from the inside, I felt like jelly all over, and every touch was becoming more intense.

He slid his arms under me, putting his weight on his forearms, and kissed his way up my chest. He thrust his tongue into my mouth and I moaned into his mouth, because then I felt him, the hardness of him between my legs, and I drew in a long breath. He kissed me over and over, not moving, but I started to move because he was right there. I reached down and took it in my hand and started stroking between my legs with it and he was looking at me with a dreamy expression on his face. It was cool and hard like stone, but velvety-smooth, and I was slipping it up and down, exploring. I could feel my body clenching, just having him so close and thinking about what it was going to feel like when he was inside me. I let go of it and wrapped my arms around his neck. He kissed my cheeks and a sob broke out of me because I couldn't take it much longer. He pushed his hips foreword enough so that I could feel him, I could feel how huge he really was. It seemed impossible but I closed my eyes and pushed down, and I felt him move into me.

I winced because it really hurt and it was scary, too, I didn't know how I could take him but at the same time I wanted him to split me apart so badly I would have killed for it. My arms were around his neck, tight, and I pulled my legs up. I looked at him and I knew he would have to see it hurt...but he had to know how badly I wanted it, too. It was time for me to say it because I hadn't yet, not really, not without being asked. I pulled him into me and I said, "I love you, Angel,"

His moaned, leaning his head back. "Buffy," he almost shouted it, "I love you,"