Buffy's Diary
Undated Entry on Yellow Legal Paper

Timeline: Shortly after the skating rink scene in What's My Line Part 1

Another night ruined by my "sacred duty" status. If it hadn't been for Angel.....I don't know. But I'm sure glad he showed up when he did.

Angel's not small, but this creep was enormous, and Angel just kept throwing punches at the guy without any hesitation, relentlessly. He was fighting to the death. It's all you can do when your opponent is bigger and stronger-you fight with everything and just hope for a break.

I'm glad I was wearing skates. They came in handy. I slashed the creep's throat, it was actually pretty easy. But if it hadn't been for Angel I wouldn't have had the chance.

He had a nasty cut. Vampires heal, but it was still pretty deep. He kept jerking away from me and at first I thought he was squeamish, but then he said, "You shouldn't have to touch me when I'm like this,". And then I realized that it hadn't even occurred to me that he was in game face. All I saw was him. Him, and his cut, and the way he fought, going up against that huge guy over and over again, and all the other times he'd done the same thing.

He felt really self-conscious...almost ashamed, I think. It got to me.

"Oh," I said, "I didn't even notice," and I took my glove off, so I could really touch him and so I could show that I wanted to, and then I kissed him. I can hear my friends now, "Ewww, a mouthful of fangs!" but it wasn't like that at all. It was Angel I kissed, it was Angel's mouth. More teeth, yeah, and it was different, but not bad different. I can imagine Giles freaking. Kiss from a mortal enemy. But it was sexy, because it was Angel having to trust me. He knows my instincts, they're just as automatic as his. I see fangs, I stake. But in that moment we both overcame everything. In that moment, the most important thing was US, not what we were made to be.

He let me kiss him, and then he kissed me back, and I could feel his face changing under my fingers and his fangs withdrawing under my mouth. It was amazing. His skin became so soft, his mouth so smooth, it was enchanting. Then he pulled away from me.

"We have to get you out of here," he said.

My Mom says if you name your feelings they don't rule you so much. I hate this feeling I have right now but I don't know what it is. It's shivery and dark, it's right under my heart...I feel myself shaking with it, I feel cold.....what IS it??? It's bugging me.

Anyway, Angel was wigged because of the ring the guy was wearing. That's the part that bothers me, because he never gets wigged for no reason. He walked me from the rink and he was brooding for a lot of it.

"What's Giles doing tonight?" he asked. He was walking so fast.

"He's in the library with Willow and Xander. Researching some book,"

"What book?"

"Oh, some book was stolen out of the library by a vampire a couple of weeks ago, and since there was another undead-theft from a mausoleum in the cemetery last night, Giles thinks there's a connection. Same guy who wrote the book collected relics....or made relics...or WAS a relic..."

He looked down at me, but he kept up the pace. "Dulac?"

"Yeah. That was the name. How did you know that?"

"I saw the mausoleum. And I've read Dulac..."

"You lurk, and you read. At least you're well-rounded,"

"Make sure Giles sees this ring," he handed it to me, "I'm walking you to the library right now. And do what he says. Don't question him. Just do what he thinks you should do. No matter how you feel about it,"

"How come you know so much Watcher stuff?" I suddenly asked. I stopped walking and stood in front of him.

He had that look that people get when they've been busted. He walked around me, catching my hand and pulling me along.

"You hang out for a couple of centuries, you pick things up," he said.

"It's more than that," I said. I was remembering that first night in my bedroom, when he told me that he fought vampires because, "somebody has to". Before I knew he was one. "Most of the time you're up on things almost like Giles," I said now, "Why?" I thought I knew why, but it brought up a whole bunch of other questions. He fights them. He reads up on everything. But has he been doing that since he got his soul back? Or is it just because of me?

"I have my reasons. Look, just get to someplace where they won't know to look for you. I want you to stay with Giles and the others tonight,"


"I mean it," he said. "You're being hunted. And you're used to doing the hunting. You have to think differently now. You can't ambush these guys, you can't do it alone,"

"We'll see," I said.

He grabbed my arm and spun me around. He took my shoulders in his hands. I have never seen him so upset.

"You WON'T see, Buffy! You won't see them coming. You haven't been up against anything like this before!"

I was speechless, and he loosened his grip. I saw guilt sweep over his face. He crushed me against him, wrapping his arms around me tight. He pushed his mouth next to my ear.

"Please," he begged, "Please promise me you'll listen. Listen to Giles, listen to me now. Please, Buffy,"

"OK...OK-" I was a little messed by his intensity. He'd never acted like this before.

"We need to get you inside," He silent for the rest of the walk but he hung onto my hand, strongly. He kept throwing glances around and behind us, scanning. We reached the school and he walked me inside, all the way to the library door.

"I have errands to run,"


He took my face in his hands and gazed at me.

"I-" he stopped. He almost said something and he stopped himself. He's done that before.


His eyes went right through me. His thumbs moved softly over my cheeks. He kissed me, and it was different from the way he's ever kissed me before. It wasn't a soft, tender kiss, it wasn't even a passion kiss, it was full-out, it was almost desperate. His hands moved around the back of my head and he mashed his mouth on mine. It was really exciting. I wrapped my arms around him. He kept kissing me and there it was, that feeling starting in me, every time it gets more intense. I was wet. From a kiss. Well, several kisses, actually.

He held me close, rubbing his face in my hair. I pushed my hips up against him. I could feel him getting hard. My heart leaped up and started pounding.

He pushed me back, but gently.

"I have to go. Do whatever Giles tells you."

I took his hand and stopped him. I put my hand on his cheek.

"Be careful," I said.

He leveled his eyes at me. He can look more intense than anybody I've ever seen.

"Be at your most alert," he said, "This is war,"

So, I'm in Giles' office, writing this on his paper because I'm getting addicted to writing things out, I guess. I need to think about this feeling. The Order of Taraka, they're saying. I'm supposed to hide out now.

I've had this feeling before. I know what it is.

I'm afraid.

That ticks me off.