I have to try to get some sleep soon but I need to write some of this stuff out first. I just finished crying, and I feel like an idiot, but it had to come out, I guess. I don't think he'll mind that I'm using his paper. I'm not used to this kind of a pen, though...he doesn't have any bics, nothing but fountain pens. He has lots of books and stuff on his desk, and he writes overseas a lot. There's a whole sheaf of letters from Ireland, and other places. I didn't dig, of course. I'm not a snoop. But there's paintings, too, and a couple of sketches on the wall, I think he might have even drawn them. Angel's kind of like an iceberg, and not because of the no-body-heat-thing....but because the closer I get to him, the more there is.

I can't believe all the things they did to him. It makes me want to kill Spike all over again.

When I first saw him strung up with Drucilla my heart sank. I thought he was dead for a second, and then I saw the knife skewering their hands and I could see the life draining out of him. I don't know how long he was up there.

After I nailed Spike with the incense thing I looked down at Angel and I was so glad he wasn't dead. I put my hand on his cheek and I said, "Hi,". He looked up at me, and his eyes focused on me. Nobody has ever looked at me like that before. His whole face opened up and I knew that he knew he was safe because he was with me. Pure trust. I think he was happier to see me than he has been happy about anything, at least in a really long time. It was magical, that look. We just looked at each other, and then Kendra was there, and we got him out.

After Giles drove us here and Kendra helped me get him inside he just collapsed. I put him in bed and I sent Kendra with Giles. I trust her and everything, but I needed to take care of him.

He was really messed-up. I got his clothes off of him and I threw his pants out, because somebody had dumped him in the sewer. Note to self: beat Willie the snitch to a bloody pulp. I should have let Kendra.

He had second degree burns on his chest, and a big hole through his hand, and he was so weak that he kept going in and out. He looked shredded.

I found a bowl and there were plenty of towels and plenty of soap (I knew it!) so I cleaned him up, and got him under the covers, and then I went out for supplies. He hadn't even moved when I got back from the drugstore, which scared me again, but when I touched him he woke up.

His eyes were bleary. "Buffy,"

"Shhh," I said, "You're home, it's OK now,"

"I-I'm sorry," his voice was ragged. That's what happens when you get tortured. I should have killed Spike a billion years ago.

"Shhh," I said again, "Here," I handed him a glass of water and two advil. He looked at them and then handed them back to me.

"Come on," I said, "Vampires feel pain, too. You need to get some good rest,"

"No," he said.

"What? Why?"

"No,"

I put the pills and the water down on the table and got out the bandages. I'd try again in a minute, when he was sleepier.

I sat on the bed and I looked at the burns on his chest. They were nasty. They looked like acid burns. I had aloe vera gel in my hand and he saw it and put his hand up to stop me.

"It's all right," he said.

"Quit being tough guy. You're hurt,"

"I'll heal,"

Now I was getting mad.

"What is your issue here? You're hurt. I'm the girlfriend. I bandage,"

"It's not necessary,"

"So then just play along to humor me,"

"No,"

I leaned over him. "I'm about to go medieval on you here. You are in no condition to-"

"You don't know what I did to her. You don't know how many people I killed, and I made her. And Spike. All of this...all of this is-"

"You're fault," I understood now. "OK...I don't know everything that you did, but I do know that's in the past. This is now. This is me."

He looked away from me. "I'll sleep it off,"

"No, you won't," I crouched over him on the bed and looked at him. I'd had it. "You went out to stop Spike-"

"I didn't stop Spike,"

"I get it. Failure AND guilt. Well, you are just going to have to deal. You're pushing me away and I'm not having it. NOT, Angel. You're hurt," My throat caught. I had to stop for a second. I hadn't expected that, "And I'm taking care of you, and you are going to let me."

The pain in his eyes took the air out of me. My eyes stung for a second, but I steeled myself.

"Please, Angel," I whispered, "Just let me,"

He turned his head away. I put the gel on his burns, being really careful, and I bandaged his hand up. I could feel the tension gradually moving out of him as I did it. He was starting to glance at me occasionally. I got up and went to the table again. When I came back I put my hand behind his head and lifted him up for a kiss. He kissed me back, and then I slipped him the advil from my tongue to his, and handed him the water. He almost smiled, and took the water, and then I laid him back down.

"Sneaky," he murmured.

"You're forcing me to use manipulation," I said, "This could be easier, you know,"

He looked at me. "I'm sorry," he said. He looked awful. He looked thinner, drained, and his eyes were so unfocused, it was like he couldn't keep a grip.

"No," I leaned over and kissed him. I touched his cheek. "No, don't be. Just let me take care of you. Do it for me, OK?"

His closed his eyes, "OK," he said. Then he was out again. I laid next to him and stroked his shoulder while he went into a deep sleep. Angel in deep sleep takes some getting used to, because it's exactly like he's dead. His chest doesn't go up and down. Luckily, he dreams. I watched his eyelashes flutter occasionally, and his eyes moving under the lids, and I knew he was alive. Un-alive. Whatever.

I laid next to him and then it started. All the things he did for me. All the things they'd done to him last night. And seeing him dying. I had to get off the bed, because I didn't want him to know, and I went and sat at his desk and the floodgates opened. I just sat there and cried. I came so close to losing him. If I'd been just a few minutes later, I have a feeling it would have been over. Spike would have killed him. I cried for a while and then I looked at him sleeping and I've never felt so much love for anybody before ever in my life. I love him. I love him so much.

Tomorrow's a school day. At least it's good to know that he'll sleep through the day. I can check on him at night. I want to be here when he wakes up. Plus, I need to straighten up in here. Kendra and I really did a rock star/hotel room decorating job.

So, I guess Kendra will be going back home, now that the ritual was whacked. I'll miss her. It was kind of nice having her around, for a lot of reasons, but also, I like her. I'll never tell her that, but she wouldn't want to know, anyway. I still think it would be nice to hand the Slayer crown to her, but I don't think she'd even go for it. She likes the Slayer thing too much...I bet she wouldn't accept the title until I really was dead, and I bet she'd put her life on the line for mine. Well, she already did. In a way, I can see something now that I couldn't see before, about Slaying.

Slayers are kind of cool.