January 10-11, 1998
Timeline: The afternoon after Buffy meets Lyle Gorch in the mall in the episode, Bad Eggs
Big huge love to seneca and Lexy. You guys got me through a bronchial infection. I needed those letters. I big-huge love you.
Entry made late afternoon, Jan. 10
That was SUCH a great outfit at the mall last night, Mom just doesn't get it. I mean, look what they wore in the seventies. Yike. I just know she's never going to let me buy it. It would take probably five months of allowance anyway, but I'd just like Angel to see me in all that leather.
School gets weirder and weirder. An egg. Whatever.
Cowboy vampire. Interesting, in a really repulsive way. He was a coward, he
ran and I had to get back to Mom. He's stupid and weak, but he could still do
some damage. He needs to be dusted. Gorches. That's what they looked like
in Giles' book, some old West geek name like Gorch. Anyway, it's an extra
excuse to see Angel. Like I need one. But anyway, Giles did suggest it.
Safety in numbers. I'll just have to ask Angel to help me hunt tonight. I
think he'll probably be game.
Entry made early morning, Jan 11
We met in the cemetery at ten, because I had so much homework to do and I had to be home early. Well, relatively early. Usually I don't even go out until about eleven.
We tried to hunt. We really did. But when I see him and the way he looks at me, like he sees all the happiness in the world in one place, like he can't wait to get his hands on me, I just melt completely. Anybody would. It's amazing, the way he looks at me.
He was walking up the path and he saw me and smiled. He walked right up and wrapped his arms around me and the air went out of me. How am I ever going to get enough of him? We kissed for a while, we didn't even talk. Then, we tried to hunt. Then we started kissing again. It went like that for a while, and then we finished a couple of rounds of the cemetery and we didn't see anything, and then we were kissing again and time just completely faded. I didn't care what time it was. I didn't care about anything but him. I started walking backward, because we were near that little alcove behind the mausoleum that we were at last night, and I liked the privacy back there, so I started pulling him back there with me. We turned and stumbled a little and laughed, and then we were in the cedars.
His mouth was all over my neck, he was holding my ponytail and pulling my head back, not too hard, just enough so his mouth could reach under my chin. I was stroking his neck with one hand and my other hand unbuttoned his shirt the same way he always touches me, no hurry. I gasped a little as my hand slipped over his chest, it's so cool and silky. He's....what's the word I want? He's exquisite. That's it. His skin is so smooth it's addictive, the shape of him is rich, the way the muscle curves under the skin, his pecs, the ripples on his stomach. He's lean but he's cut just enough, and I was all-out worshipping him with my eyes and my hands, wondering how I was ever going to get enough of him, ever.
His eyes were closed. He whispered, "I wish you'd never stop touching me,"
"Deal," I said, and took a nipple in my mouth. He made a deep crooning sound. I allowed my hand to go lower, tentatively, but he didn't stop me. I pulled at his belt buckle and slipped the leather away from the silver, then I released the button underneath, and he didn't stop me then, either. I was thinking about why going slow was so important to him, why he never wanted to rush anything between us, why he was so careful about that. I'd waited so long for this, this chance to just undress him when he was awake, that it was really intense. I'd thought about doing it a million times. I was so hyped that I was almost jumpy, my hands were shaking, and it wouldn't have felt like this if we'd done everything all at once. Waiting, even for the little things, makes everything a lot more exciting. It makes everything we do to each other magical. Just undoing his belt was making me wet, I could feel it starting inside myself.
His hands moved over my arms, my shoulders, my neck inside my jacket. I was wearing a thin top underneath and I knew my nipples were hard because they were starting to ache, and I knew he could see them. He took my hands and kissed my palms, he leaned forward and kissed my cheeks as he put my hands back on him. A rush went through me and I moaned. His hands moved up my back, up the back of my neck, into my hair. He pulled the elastic out of my hair and ran his fingers through it. I slipped one hand down his stomach and pulled his zipper down with the other, finally finding it, my fingers crawling through the zipper, and then through the opening in the silk, and I took him in my hand. He pushed his lips against my forehead and said, "Ohhh," his voice escalating. He felt wonderful in my hand, so hard, but the skin on him so velvety and tender, I was dizzy, I paused for a second, squeezing his hardness with both hands now, and a sudden, vivid thought jumped into my mind: I wanted him inside me more than I had ever wanted anything in my whole life, I would beg, I would bargain, I would push for it, but I knew it wasn't time yet. For a second I just leaned against him, my chest heaving, and tried to pull myself together. He seemed to understand completely, he slipped his arms around me and held me.
"I'm dizzy," I said.
"We'll stop," he said, his voice was soft and calm.
"I just need a minute,"
"There'll be lots of minutes," I could hear that gentle smile in his voice.
"No, I mean-"
"Go with how you feel, always," he said, "Let's stop,"
"I don't want to stop, Angel," I snapped, "I just need a minute," Then I felt bad, but when I looked up at him he was smiling. A laugh burst out of me. "I'm sorry," I said.
"Don't be. You're wonderful," His eyes were brimming with-I know what it is...he looks at me with so much affection, I feel safe, I feel more cared about then I ever have. I pressed my face against his chest and inhaled. He smelled like almonds, faintly. I smiled against him. I slipped my lips over his other nipple, my hands crept low again and I wrapped my fingers around him. He was still hard, but he hardened even more. "Ah!" he said, his eyes softening. He kissed me softly and whispered,"Buffy", as if I had just handed him the present in the world.
I went to my knees in front of him. He was startled by that, he bent foreward and tried to lift me up.
"No," I said.
"Buffy,"
"What?" I took him in my hands again. Then I realized there would be a problem...his legs were too long, he was too far above me. I took his hand and pulled him over to a nearby bench. I sat down on it and pulled him toward me.
"Buffy-"
"Shhh!" I said, a little too strongly.
"Buffy, no,"
I slid my hand over the length of him and pulled him foreword with my other hand, by a belt loop. I pressed my cheek against the long hardness of it and looked up at him.
"You get to. How come I don't get to?"
He shuddered as he looked down at me. He looked desperate and helpless, just the way I wanted him to be right now. I wanted him to be desperate for me to touch him and helplessly needing me. I loved it, it was so sexy my knees were weak.
In my dreams it was easy, and I've read some things, so I had some idea of what I wanted to do to him, but most of all I just wanted him, I wanted to make him feel so good that he lost his mind, and that was inspiration enough.
I slipped my hands over him, up and down with constant motion, touching him all over. He moaned with this breathy sound and bared his teeth. I swept my tongue over it, just tasting, and I was captivated by the texture of him, I needed to cover him with my tongue then, so I licked him all over, luxuriantly, making him as wet as I could so he was all slippery and my lips and hands were sliding on him. He was making 'Ohhhh' sounds and that just inspired me. I rubbed my lips over him, I licked the tip of him, I got so involved in exploring how that felt to him, just making my tongue swirl and stroke and glide over him. I started to stroke him with a nice, strong, even motion, and his moans got louder. It was so gratifying. I must have been doing it right, at least a lot of it right. I knew when I tried to take him in my mouth there wouldn't be much leeway, so I was careful, because I didn't want to scrape him with my teeth. I went really gradually, first taking mouthful after mouthful of the tip and then releasing him, so I could get the feel of it. He even seemed to be liking that. He was stroking my hair back from my face and running his fingers over my cheek. I loved it that he was watching me, the thought of it made me wet. Everything I was doing made me wet, I was slippery and hot. I opened my mouth and relaxed, like you're supposed to, you're supposed to relax your jaw and your throat, so I tried to. He was really big, but I was really determined, and I was in no hurry. I learned about that from him.
I managed to get the whole tip of him in my mouth, and then I tried moving my tongue over him that way, and I glanced up and saw him staring down at me. He looked almost shocked. I almost giggled, because it made me so happy that I could do this to him, so I moved down, taking him deeper, being careful, but trying to keep my tongue moving. I was stroking him even harder, nice and even, and I was letting the juices from my mouth just run down so he stayed slick. I pulled up, then moved down a little further. It was a strain on my jaw, but not too bad. It was way worth the sounds he made, those sounds full of longing and surprise and desire. They were driving me nuts. I pulled up, sucking a little, and went down again. I was starting to get the hang of it, and I started trying different things with my tongue, different motions. I was thinking, I could do this for hours if my jaw wouldn't go numb. It was so nice, to have him like this, not just because he loved it so much, but also because he was so vulnerable to me now, he had so much trust in me and so much patience. Most of all, he was sharing something intensely private with me. I wanted to lavish him with my mouth and my hands, I wanted to spoil him completely.
He was almost singing my name, very softly. I took him as deep as I could, over and over. I felt him throb strongly in my hand, he pulsed in my mouth, and I drew more tightly on him and dipped faster. I was only taking about half of him, but I was trying to gradually do more. His whole body was shivering, the muscles in his thighs were taut, and he put his hand on my face and pushed gently on me, like he was pushing me away. I'd heard about that. He thought it would be rude, but I wanted to taste him. I pushed his hand aside and took him even deeper, sliding up and down the length of him faster and faster. I reached one hand around his hip and pulled him even closer and moved my tongue more. His hips jerked foreword and I had to back up, because he drove right into the back of my throat. I didn't let it slow me down, though, because I didn't want him to make me stop. I took him as deep as I could and I looked up at him, our eyes locked and I slowed for just a second, and then I picked up the pace again, and then he was crying out and pulsing in my mouth. He flooded my mouth. It was salty, intensely salty and cool, with a tingly sweetness in it. He was still jerking and moaning, and still hard, so I kept him in my mouth for a while. My heart was pounding, I was so wet. I felt so light, a heady lightness. He's the most exciting thing in the world. I felt like I did after he had been at me, I felt released and warm and relaxed. It's almost like I feel after a great workout. It was a whole new way I could have him, he loved it, and I was so happy about all of it that I sighed and looked up at him and I said, "Wow," It sounds dumb, but it was just what I wanted to say.
He pulled me up and wrapped his arms tight around me, his face in my hair. He was still shaking. I reached down and gently closed him back up in his pants, zipped them up, and buckled his belt. I liked doing that, it was like taking care of him. I felt so close to him, then. He sat down on the bench and pulled me onto his lap and we wrapped our arms around each other and rocked for a long time.
So, no Gorches tonight. I'll get them later.
I just want to taste him forever. It's supposed to taste awful but I like it. Well, I like him. No.
I love him.
Someday I'm going to tell him.
Now I have to fill out that egg diary. I'm going to name it Eggbert. I was
going to draw a face on it, but that would probably be abuse or something.
Teachers just really don't like it if you have too much of a sense of humor.
Neither do parents.
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