Buffy's Diary
January 12, 1998

Timeline: Just after Buffy calls gets grounded by her mother in Bad Eggs

All lines from this story that are not mine, but are from the dialogue of the show, are marked with an *

One thing about life on the Hellmouth. There's no lack of variety. I don't know what this creepy-crawly thing is that came out of my egg, but I'd bet my allowance it's demonic. Mom almost saw it. So, I kill creepies and I kill vampires and I get GROUNDED. Sometimes I just want to spill everything, sometimes I just want to go off and tell her, "Mom, I'm the Slayer. It wasn't my idea, and it's not my fault, and I TOTALLY don't deserve this!" It's not like I was out partying or anything. I did see Angel, but he's hunting for me tonight, so I can get some extra rest and do better in school and I am NOT irresponsible, not EVEN!!!

It would be so cool if everything I killed turned into dust, because I know Giles is going to want to look at this thing and I have to keep it in my room, it's so GROSS to think about it being there in my egg, right next to my bed, it's probably why I felt like complete crap all day. I wonder if Willow is right, if they planted it, but I just can't see the Gorches doing anything that involves creative problem solving or planning-ahead skills. They are just too stupid. But, maybe it's an act, maybe nobody's that stupid. I just can't think tonight, I've been so out of it.

When I met Angel in the cemetery it was like it's been lately, we don't do that hesitating thing anymore, we just walk right into each other's arms now. It's the most gratifying thing in life. We held each other for a while and I checked out which soap he used today without saying anything about it, like usual. Ivory. And he kissed me, but then he drew back, gently.

"What's up?" he asked.

"Huh?" I didn't get it, "What do you mean?"

"You don't feel well," he just knew.

"Oh...I-I'm just a little out of it. I didn't sleep well,"

"You're tired. You should get to bed,"

"Yeah," but I was looking at him and his amazing eyes, and I forgot what we were talking about, and I put my hand on his cheek and brought his face down to get a kiss. He tasted so nice, and his mouth knows mine now, it's like we're skating partners who've been doing choreography together forever and he knows when soft and teasing is what I want, or strong, and we respond to each other, and it gets so sexy so fast now. I start to come apart when he kisses me like that, I feel so soft all over it's like parts of me are drifting away from each other, and I'm all softness, and then we were lost in each other for a while, but I remembered that I needed to kill Gorches, so I pulled away from him this time.

"I hate to say this,"* I said, "But we really should go kill bad guys,"*

"It's late,"* he said, "You should get home,"*

"What about the Gorches?"*

"I'll hunt,"*

I couldn't believe how sweet that was. He's helped me from the very beginning, from the first night I met him, but this is a whole different level of helping.

"Really? You'd do that?"*

"It's not like I have an early day tomorrow,"*

"True," I sighed, and then I started babbling on about school and my egg diary, and somehow I got onto the subject of kids, and he went all quiet and looked somber.

"I think kids would be just a little too much to deal with,"* I was saying.

"I wouldn't know," he said, "I-don't-well, you know, I-I can't,"*

"Oh,"* and then it all hit me. Of course, I mean, technically he's dead, so...of course. Which is probably a good thing in the greater sense because baby vampires might be kind of tough to kill. I've never had to kill one, and I hope I never do. The Anointed One, I remember him, but I didn't have to kill him. And anyway, undead multiply fast enough as it is. But it did hit me, sort of, as sad. He never had any, and he won't ever get to. I have no plans for kids anytime soon, and being the Slayer, it sort of keeps you in the now, it reminds you that life is short and nothing comes with a guarantee, except that there will be more vampires that I have to kill and they all will want to kill me. It doesn't make you feel like parenting would be the best idea.

But I knew he felt bad, because the big unspoken world between us, all the possibilities that other people have and that we would naturally want to have, that big silent heavy world opened up and I felt bad, and I just kept babbling, as if it would help. I went on about about how I always thought there would be lots of things that vampires can't do, and then all of a sudden he said,

"So, you don't think about the future?"*

"No,"* It was true. It makes me too frustrated to think about it. I might not have one. Actually, deep down, I refuse to believe that, I want a future and I plan on one, but at least right now, I have to do it one day at a time. After the Master and the Order of Taraka, to name just two, I sort of look at the future like I look at school. I don't dweeb out on home work, I have a social life to some extent, I get in the fun where I can, but I'm not flunking out either, because if I do get to grow up I want a decent life. I don't want to be a maid who sharpens stakes in her off-time.

So, I plan on one, but I don't think about it.


"No," *

"You really don't care what happens a year from now? Five years from now?"*

It just came out of me then, I almost said the "L" word. I really just opened up then, because he's so important to me, I can't just keep that to myself all the time, and we're so close now, and it feels even closer all the time. I just told him.

"Angel, when I look into the future, all I see is you. All I want is you,"*

It was like I was hearing myself say it, but I wasn't afraid.

His eyes seemed to deepen, and in them was a whole future, the one I wanted and the one he wanted, all the dreams we never even dared to have inside ourselves were there.

"I know the feeling,"* he said, and he kissed me, pulling me against him and leaning me backward so I was almost off the ground and I felt weightless and so safe and so completely happy, it made me dizzy, even dizzier than usual. He straightened up and my legs went out from under me, I guess I lost my equilibrium for a second.

"I'm walking you home," he said.

""I'm OK.,"

"It's not far, I'll walk you,"

I wasn't going to make him twist my arm. We started walking, and all of a sudden we were holding hands. It was nice, because neither of us really thought about it, we just sort of reached for each other and then we were walking. I love his big, gentle hands and I love the way they warm up in mine.

And I had to ask him.

"So-what do you see in five years?"

He gave one of those soft little laughs.

"I got so used to-existing. For so long, every night just meant one more night to get through. I never-I never thought that I-" he was silent for a minute, while we walked, "I never thought I'd be happy,"

We were under my window.

I turned and looked up at him.

"I'm happy, too,"

"I want that," he took my shoulders in his hands, "More than anything, that's what I want. No matter what it means," and I knew he meant whether I was happiest with him or without him.

"It means this," I said, and I took his hands and drew them around my waist and I wrapped my arms around his neck and I kissed him.

"I'll always be-" he stopped, and then he tried again, "I'll always be around. For you." It wasn't a promise, it was just a fact, he said it that simply.

I pressed my face against his chest and nuzzled him. This is happiness, I thought. This is perfect, this is all I could ever ask for. I was melting into him. I felt so peaceful I was wishing I could just doze off and wake up right there.

"Bedtime," he said.

"Tuck me in?" I had to.

He kissed my forehead, and my nose, and then he looked down at me.

"Go to bed," he said, and I laughed.

It would have been a nice night, but of course something evil had to jump out of somewhere. At least it was in-house, I didn't have to hunt this one. But I'm still wigged, I don't see how it could have been just my egg. That's the problem. That, and being grounded.

It's so completely unfair it's hard to comprehend.

Me. Irresponsible.

What's that term from English class?

Irony. SICK irony.