Poor Xander. Nothing ever works out for him with girls. It was really hard on him. I can relate.

And I felt really bad for that girl. All she wanted was a normal life. I say that to myself sometimes. A lot of times. I’ll be watching Xander and Willow laughing, or Cordy with her entourage in the halls, and I feel so alone and sad because I can never be like that again. I can never act as if everything is going to be OK, because I know that it isn’t, unless I make it OK. But then, when it’s time to patrol, I get this totally different feeling.

It’s like being over-caffinated or after you’ve done detention on a Saturday all day, this seriously restless feeling, this NEED...it’s a need to get out and get some night air, it’s a bone-deep craving to drive a wooden stake into a vampire’s heart. When they explode into dust it’s like scratching an itch that I haven’t been able to reach all day, SATISFYING. I’ve been the Slayer for years now and it still doesn’t sound normal. It looks so sick on the paper but when I’m patrolling I feel this deep pleasure, probably like a football player making a touchdown, this clean feeling of a job well done. I wonder how old I’ll get to be. The Master is dead, but all these delightful new variations on the Hellmouth theme keep cropping up. Will I ever get to college? Will I ever get to even graduate? It used to be so simple. Grow up, marry Christian Slater and die. Not any more, not ever again.

I wouldn’t wish a prophesy on anyone. It scars you. It’s hard to let go of. There’s not much that makes you feel better when you’ve been that close to total defeat. Almost dying was bad enough, but when it came down to it I wanted so badly to beat the Master that I WENT to die, just so I could take him with me.

I guess, for me, defeat by a vampire is worse than dying. Angel’s right, though, I did win the war. He must have known how much I needed to hear him say that.

I haven’t seen Angel in days. Not here, not in any of the cemeteries, the Bronze. I even went by his apartment but I didn’t knock or anything, there wasn’t a light on.

Things were intense between us last time. It’s a very frightening chemistry we have, it’s so close to out of control, but it’s also like the rightest thing in the world, the only thing that’s really, truly right. And, of course, it’s wrong. I should be doing my heavy petting in the back seat of the football captain’s car...at least, that’s what it says in the unwritten high school manual. As if that applies to me. But I wonder what’s going on.

Is it the chemistry, is it that he doesn’t want us to lose control? I understand, he is so much older than me that it boggles the mind, but he’s a good person...are vampires people? No, but the rules of the vampire universe don’t apply to him any more than the rules of normal humanity apply to me. He is a person, to me. He’s a lot more than that to me. Nobody would argue that he’s extraordinary. He’s patient and kind, he’s so strong in so many ways, he’s wise, he’s smart, he’s beautiful, and he cares about me. I can feel it, it’s the one consistent thing in my life. I get irritated with him sometimes, but the reason he irritates me is that he’s always trying to protect me, help me out. Almost like angels I heard about when I was little, an angel watching over you....maybe sometimes I could be a little more appreciative. I miss him. I’m sitting on my windowsill writing this, and the trees are swaying and I can hear crickets singing and cars go by once in a while... it’s my room, the same room that’s mine every night when I get home from patrol, but now it feels empty.

I wonder what he’s doing right now. I’d like to know him better. I’d like to know so many things about him, the list would be epic if I wrote down everything I wondered about. Not all of his past is pretty, but that’s OK. High school boys frighten me, I’m always afraid that I’m going to bruise them accidentally, or that holy water will fall out of my purse, or even that I might get asked out, because I can’t ever seem to go to anything anyway. Most of my nights are booked. And what would a normal guy think? I see the way Angel smiles at me after I make a kill. He admires the way I do it. I can almost see him saying, "Nice," when I dust a vampire. I don’t get much of that. He knows what I’m up against, and he likes me for it. I need that. And he likes ME, I know it. More than likes. I want to know him as a person.

There’s no one else like him. I’d love to ask him a million things...what was his family like? What’s with his soap fixation? I know he has something going on with soap because he can smell like five different kinds in five nights...I’m sure he’s a clean freak. How many languages does he speak? How many countries has he seen? What’s it like to fight other vampires? He must have hobbies, something he likes...