Buffyís Diary
October 7, 1997

Timeline: After the episode, Inca Mummy Girl

Poor Xander. Nothing ever works out for him with girls. It was really hard on him. I can relate.

And I felt really bad for that girl. All she wanted was a normal life. I say that to myself sometimes. A lot of times. Iíll be watching Xander and Willow laughing, or Cordy with her entourage in the halls, and I feel so alone and sad because I can never be like that again. I can never act as if everything is going to be OK, because I know that it isnít, unless I make it OK. But then, when itís time to patrol, I get this totally different feeling.

Itís like being over-caffinated or after youíve done detention on a Saturday all day, this seriously restless feeling, this NEED...itís a need to get out and get some night air, itís a bone-deep craving to drive a wooden stake into a vampireís heart. When they explode into dust itís like scratching an itch that I havenít been able to reach all day, SATISFYING. Iíve been the Slayer for years now and it still doesnít sound normal. It looks so sick on the paper but when Iím patrolling I feel this deep pleasure, probably like a football player making a touchdown, this clean feeling of a job well done. I wonder how old Iíll get to be. The Master is dead, but all these delightful new variations on the Hellmouth theme keep cropping up. Will I ever get to college? Will I ever get to even graduate? It used to be so simple. Grow up, marry Christian Slater and die. Not any more, not ever again.

I wouldnít wish a prophesy on anyone. It scars you. Itís hard to let go of. Thereís not much that makes you feel better when youíve been that close to total defeat. Almost dying was bad enough, but when it came down to it I wanted so badly to beat the Master that I WENT to die, just so I could take him with me.

I guess, for me, defeat by a vampire is worse than dying. Angelís right, though, I did win the war. He must have known how much I needed to hear him say that.

I havenít seen Angel in days. Not here, not in any of the cemeteries, the Bronze. I even went by his apartment but I didnít knock or anything, there wasnít a light on.

Things were intense between us last time. Itís a very frightening chemistry we have, itís so close to out of control, but itís also like the rightest thing in the world, the only thing thatís really, truly right. And, of course, itís wrong. I should be doing my heavy petting in the back seat of the football captainís car...at least, thatís what it says in the unwritten high school manual. As if that applies to me. But I wonder whatís going on.

Is it the chemistry, is it that he doesnít want us to lose control? I understand, he is so much older than me that it boggles the mind, but heís a good person...are vampires people? No, but the rules of the vampire universe donít apply to him any more than the rules of normal humanity apply to me. He is a person, to me. Heís a lot more than that to me. Nobody would argue that heís extraordinary. Heís patient and kind, heís so strong in so many ways, heís wise, heís smart, heís beautiful, and he cares about me. I can feel it, itís the one consistent thing in my life. I get irritated with him sometimes, but the reason he irritates me is that heís always trying to protect me, help me out. Almost like angels I heard about when I was little, an angel watching over you....maybe sometimes I could be a little more appreciative. I miss him. Iím sitting on my windowsill writing this, and the trees are swaying and I can hear crickets singing and cars go by once in a while... itís my room, the same room thatís mine every night when I get home from patrol, but now it feels empty.

I wonder what heís doing right now. Iíd like to know him better. Iíd like to know so many things about him, the list would be epic if I wrote down everything I wondered about. Not all of his past is pretty, but thatís OK. High school boys frighten me, Iím always afraid that Iím going to bruise them accidentally, or that holy water will fall out of my purse, or even that I might get asked out, because I canít ever seem to go to anything anyway. Most of my nights are booked. And what would a normal guy think? I see the way Angel smiles at me after I make a kill. He admires the way I do it. I can almost see him saying, "Nice," when I dust a vampire. I donít get much of that. He knows what Iím up against, and he likes me for it. I need that. And he likes ME, I know it. More than likes. I want to know him as a person.

Thereís no one else like him. Iíd love to ask him a million things...what was his family like? Whatís with his soap fixation? I know he has something going on with soap because he can smell like five different kinds in five nights...Iím sure heís a clean freak. How many languages does he speak? How many countries has he seen? Whatís it like to fight other vampires? He must have hobbies, something he likes...

Does he love me?