October 12-14, 1997
Timeline: 3 Entries: The night before, the night of and the night after the frat party in the episode Reptile Boy
10/12/97
"I'm just trying to protect you,"
"We both know one thing's going to lead to another,"
"Things could get out of control,"
"This isn't some fairy tale,"
Over it....SO over it!!!
I can't believe I let myself get into him like that! What's wrong with me? He's not interested. He's just not. Not enough, anyway. I don't care if his intentions are honorable, I'm not playing with Barbies anymore. If he cared he would want me anyway. He probably likes his women a little older so he can relate to them and WHY am I crying, this is STUPID. Fine. Fine, he can come around and tell me about danger and show up once in a while to help out and be beautiful and then IGNORE me. Fine.
BUT I am not someone he can ignore and then come around expecting attention from. NOT. It's not exactly like I could never get a date. I got asked out today. By a college guy. Not some "kid"...a college MAN. Who, incidentally, has really pretty blue eyes and is very charming and who wants me, ME to go to a party. Actually, I have little interest in frat parties, but that is not the point. Point is, life is not an amusement park where you have to be "this" tall or "this" old to get on the ride. I am on the ride.
"Fairy tale." That really hurt. What does he think I expect? Has he seen me Slay? Is that something just anybody can do, or am I a freak to him, too, just a kid with good killing technique, somebody to protect and feel sorry for? And anyway, am I so immature?
And why is Giles tripping on me? He's never been this harsh before. He's my Watcher, not my dictator. He keeps trying to throw me punches and I keep taking him down and it doesn't even matter to him how good I am. He's just like every other grownup sometimes...he's not happy unless I'm roped into the stall and chewing on a cud that HE gave me. He's not happy unless I'm unhappy. And it has nothing to do with Slaying, why is it that everybody else in the universe is an expert on the one thing that only I can do? I feel like a prize pony sometimes, throw her in the ring and watch her do her tricks, then sit back and criticize like you own her. Nobody owns me. Nobody else can Slay. They just wish they could, so they try to own a piece of it. Grownups!!!
And that includes Angel. I really let myself get drawn in. He's chickened out. He might be old, but he's acting just like a boy. And I even told him how I felt when he kissed me. Like he deserved that information.
Or maybe I'm not interesting enough.
I would never let another boy treat me like this.
I am not crying anymore. I am going to just chill. And I am going to sleep now.
10/13/97
Nice of Cordy to drop me off. It was nice to get out of her car. Sometimes I wonder if they should replace capital punishment with a Cordelia discussion group. That was mean. But spending so much quality time with her has really been a lesson in appreciation. If I ever have the slightest twinge around Willow (never) I'll remember this delightful evening.
Tom Warner. God, I know NOTHING about men! Nothing! What a creep deluxe! I am so mad at myself that I didn't see that coming. That ought to teach me. I heard two senior girls talking in the girl's bathroom one day, and one of them said, "Get 'em young, treat 'em rough and don't tell 'em anything,". At this point, that sounds like a plan. Me and older guys....UGH!
It was still nice of Angel to show up and everything, and Willow told me about how he was going to go anyway, just to help out those girls, he didn't even know I was there at first. I'm glad he knows now. I know he got the game face when he knew I was in trouble, but still....I wonder if it's occurred to him that I'm old enough to kill a snake demon, I'm old enough to at least get ASKED to frat things, I wonder if it's sunk in that I'm not TEN. I know he cares, I know it....but he has got to drop the "fairy tale" thing. GOD that made me mad! I'm still mad.
It looks like him and Giles have both mellowed out a little, though...who said acting out doesn't work? Sometimes it's the only way to get through to people. I always seem to be trying to justify myself...it's not like I get any of the privileges of responsibility, I just get the WORK.
I was really glad to see him, though. Too glad.
And I love Giles so much. He's important to me in a way that's hard to explain. I feel closer to him than I do to my DAD. I tell him more, obviously, but not just vampire stuff. Me stuff. He really understands me. I really need him. We're basically family, because we'll be linked until one of us dies, that's just how it works. We're connected. And underneath the tweed and the brain there's a really cool guy.
I don't know how long I'll get to exist. Statistically, it's iffy. But I have this cozy little dream sometimes...just sometimes...that Giles is like in his sixties and I'm in my thirties (yike!) and we get to keep going. It's stupid to dream big like that, but I do...and there's someone else in those dreams, too....
Who I don't need to think about right now because I am tired and I have
reptile slime on my good slingbacks. Ick.
10/14/97
Met Will and Xand at the Bronze, and he showed up. He asked me if I wanted to get coffee, and I really kept a cool head. I told him sometime, and that I'd let him know. And then I left. I was in serious need of some dignity. It worked. I feel better.
This is the part I hate, though, the when-do-I-ask-him part. I have a feeling he'll be a little easier to find this coming week, but I'm not going to go drooling over him. I really should make him wait. For at least a day.
A day. What am I thinking....at least two weeks! Let him sweat it out. I did.
But I'm not going to be able to. In a way, I really feel like he owes me an explanation. He really should tell me up front if he wants to date or not. I deserve that. Cryptic gets tedious. Undead or not. I know he wants to....but I need to know if he's going to commit to it, if he's going to be able to say to me, "We're dating," out loud, and stick with it. He's very beautiful and everything but if he's gutless about relationships then I need to know, I don't want us to get into it and have him ditch me again just because he's two centuries old. He'd be cradle-robbing if he dated my grandmother. Nobody living is ever going to be in his age bracket anyway, and that is not my fault.
I hate this anxious, fluttery feeling in my chest. I get it when I think about seeing him. Well, maybe he'll show up at a cemetery. And then I'll ask him out for coffee. Or I'll let him ask me. That's always better, to make them ask, because it makes them conceited when you ask them. I have learned one thing from this, though: he is a guy. He acts like a guy. Two-hundred and twenty-four years haven't given him the edge on that. He might be wise and smart and really strong, but when it comes down to it he's a MALE and therefore subject to certain laws of male behavior.
Which makes me feel better.
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