Buffy's Diary
November 1, 1997
Part 2

Timeline: Just after Halloween

"School night," he said, and started to get up.

"Umm," I grabbed him by his belt, "Not unless I say it is, big guy," I gotta admit it, it's a good feeling. I know I could keep him on the bed if I wanted to. I wanted to.

"You've had a long night," he said, "You need your rest,"

"I'm wide awake," I said. I was.

"You won't have to patrol tonight. How many nights like that do you get?"

"You really want to get out of here, don't you?" I said, and it was a cheap shot. I was sorry right after I said it. He looked exasperated, and a little confused. I think sometimes, between us, I'm the vampire. I tend to go for the jugular. It's wrong...but sometimes I'm afraid I'll like him just way too much, like I already do like him way too much, and I'll just lose it, dissapear into him, lose all my judgement and self-respect. I've seen girls do it, it's pathetic. But he's not like any other boys, of course, I really think he would never use me or be mean. I'm just scared of losing myself sometimes. He's that beautiful...I could fall into him and never come out again.

"I don't want out of here," he said gently, "But I worry sometimes, Buffy. You've got a tough gig. I want you to be safe,"

"I know," I said, "I'm sorry,"

He smiled at me, "It's OK," he said. He always seems to understand me before I do. That's scary, too. How does he know me so well? He says things that I'm already thinking, a lot. And he's always ready to give me the benefit of the doubt, but he doesn't let me off the hook when he knows I'm wrong. He knows the score, with me. It makes me like him even more.

He curled up beside me, he put his arms around me. I love the feel of him through his shirt, he's so lean and firm all over, but he's not hard, because he moves like a cat, he's all smooth against me, he's sleek ...his body molded to mine. I closed my eyes and put my face in his neck and smelled him and I could have stayed there just breathing him in forever, except I needed another kiss. Or several hundred.

He kisses....he kisses like he's tasting me and like I'm addictive, it's like I am with hot chocolate, I can't stop sipping it once I start, and he tastes my lips, he rubs his lips over mine very lightly and it makes me nuts. He always kisses my face, too, all over, and my ears, and my neck. He waits sometimes in between kisses and keeps his mouth so close to me that I would feel his breath if he had any, he just stays with his mouth almost on my cheek or my mouth for a long time, so I'm waiting, and I start to move around because I'm waiting and I don't know what he's going to do, and I start to get that feeling, that feeling you get on a ride at the amusement park, out of control and dizzy and like your stomach is lost somewhere. And then finally he'll kiss me, and it's like that rush down the rollercoaster, the air goes out of me, and I have to make a sound out loud.

He was doing all of that, and I was starting to breathe really hard. I got embarassed about it, I tried to calm down. He senses everything.

He pulled back and stroked my hair.

"I should go," he whispered, and I swear I don't know what had a hold of me, but I flipped him over and pinned him.

"No, please don't yet," I can't believe I was begging him to stay. I was afraid I'd hate myself later.


I don't know what got into me, but I needed to have my hands on him. I moved my hands through his hair, it's so thick and soft, it's yummy. It's like silk. There's this amazing curve from his shoulders down his arms, it's a rich, rounded curve over the bone, solid, but it gives just enough under the fingers. His chest is smooth and cool like satin, and I was realizing that I needed to slow down....