Buffy's Diary
December 1, 1997

I didn't invite Angel to Thanksgiving for several obvious reasons, but I felt a little bad about it anyway. I know he doesn't care, but I sort of do. At least it gave him some extra time to rest.

I stopped at the hardware store and bought a lock on my way to his apartment. I should have fixed it before. I knocked, and he was up, because he said, "Buffy,"

He was sitting up on the couch, with just pants on, reading. He smiled at me.

"How did you know who it was?" I asked.

"It was your knock,"

"Oh," I said, raising my eyebrows. "Yeah, sure,"

He shrugged, smiling. "I'd know it anywhere," he saw the lock in my hand and grinned, "Thank you,"

"Sorry I broke it,"

He laughed. "Don't be," he glanced back into the room, "I was wondering about the coffee table, though,"

I winced. "Yeah, I'm sorry. Kendra and I sort of redecorated,"

"Kendra...the other Slayer? She helped you get me out of the church. She was the one-"

"Who locked you up in the sunlight. Yeah. Well, that night I slept here,"

A rich smile warmed his face. "You did?"

"Yeah...and after she locked you up she found me here...and we had a Slayer Deathmatch, sort of,"

"Oh," he frowned, "Did somebody win?"

"It was a draw, technically," I said, "But I'm still defending my title,"

"You felt safe here," he said.


"I'm glad,"

He looked so much better, his eyes were clear, he was lucid, but he was still a little pale and tired. I sat beside him on the couch and he took my face in his hands and kissed me. I looked at his chest. He was healing really fast, he heals like I do. The burns had closed up nicely. I took his hand and unwrapped the bandage to check. It was closed most of the way, but it had basically been gored, so it would take longer. I went to get bandages and changed them. He watched me like I was the angel.

"The contract is off," he said, "I confirmed it,"

"Good to know,"

"That was Spike acting desperate," he said. He was beaming at me, "You scared him to death. You only call in the Order of Taraka in a doomsday situation. You had him in a panic,"

"You like that, hunh?" I asked. He was practically grinning. Then he sobered a little.

"You're the toughest one yet. You're going to win. You're going to be the oldest Slayer on record,"

"That sounds like fun," I said doubtfully.

"You'll have more of a life than any other Slayer has, because you have the guts to live it," he said, "You don't isolate yourself. It makes you stronger. You're going to make it,"

It affected me, what he said. It was really good to hear, I believed him. But I said, "If I do, it's because I have lots of help,"

"Exactly. Friends, family-"

"And you," I said.

He paused and looked into me. Big love in the eyes, and worry, and desire, and doubt.

We looked at each other, and a lot of thoughts went between us, same thoughts. I didn't want him thinking. I wanted lots of kisses. I thought about last night and I blushed. I was taping the bandage on his hand.

He tilted his head and looked at me. "What?"


He gave me that look, that, "I'll wait," look he gets, but it wasn't going to work, not about last night. I just shook my head, and then I looked at him. I'd finished taping his hand and I found myself just sitting there smiling at him. He was better. He'd be OK. I was so happy about that.

"It's just really great to see you being back to you," I said.

"In the church," he said, "When I saw you..." he seemed to run out of words.

"How close was the ritual to done?" I asked.

"Close," he said.

I stroked his cheek, and I felt tears coming up. I blinked them away. "I was so scared,"

"You did it. You beat Spike, you beat the assassins. You did it all," He was looking at me with so much admiration that I almost blushed again.

"Like you said, I didn't do it alone,"

"You draw help to you," he said, "That's part of your strength,"

"I don't ever want to see you like that again," I said.

He laughed, "That's two of us,"

I sighed, a big deep one, it came on me suddenly. I kissed him. He kissed me back deeply, it was one of those long, soft, wet kisses that go through me like I'm made out of butter, that melt me completely. But he wasn't up to full strength yet. I pulled back.

"You should lie back down, get some more sleep," I said.

He reached over and took me by the hips suddenly, swinging me over him so I was sitting on his lap. "I'm not sleepy," he said softly. He stroked my hair and his eyes lingered over my face. He slid his hand behind my head and pulled me foreword and kissed me, very, very gently. My breath went out of me, it was that nice a kiss. His fingers stroked my neck and under my ears and chin, very lightly, over and over. That makes me crazy, I don't know why, but it makes me go all soft. I closed my eyes and just gave over to his fingers. I started to shake. He twisted and went up on his knees over me, pushing me down, and I flopped into the cushions. I had my eyes shut and I waited for his mouth on mine. He leaned right over me, I could feel the coolness of him so close to me, and I thought about how he must feel heat next to me. I opened my mouth a little and licked my lips, and then I felt lips his on mine, and I made a long sound in my throat, I love the way he makes me wait sometimes. His fingers kept caressing me like that, teasing me gently. I was starting to pant into his kisses, and then they moved down. He was stroking under my chin and kissing my throat, and his name came out of me, because when he starts on me I can't even think, I don't even know the noises I'm going to make or anything. He kissed my throat for hours, I think, and I was completely out of it, hypnotized, and then his hands moved down.

My heart was pounding. It's one thing the first time you feel something, but when you know what to expect it's even more intense. His hands started moving below my throat, stroking my chest, and I started to tremble because I knew how amazing it was going to feel. His thumbs were tracing slow circles around my nipples and his mouth was there, kissing circles after his thumbs and brushing his lips across my nipples. I took his face in my hands and looked at him. His eyes were almost misty. I looked down at myself and pulled my sports top down slowly, looking back up at him. I slipped the fabric away from them and he took them in his hands with...what is it? I think it's reverence, that's the word. He laid his cheek there for a second, whispering my name.

"Kiss me," I said, "Kiss me there," I'm possessed when I'm with him, I swear.

His eyes shot up at me. He pressed his lips against my right nipple, looking right into my eyes, and then he licked his lips and parted them, just sliding the tip of my nipple back and forth between them, and I knew he was going to lick it soon and how incredible it was going to be, and I couldn't stop watching him and I whined and shivered. My hips were moving, my whole body was, I couldn't help it. He kissed around my nipple, right around the very edge of it. I was getting dizzy, it was like a headrush. One of his hands moved lower.

I was mauling his hair. I wanted his wet tongue on my nipple so badly I could almost feel it, but he was torturing me, he knew I wanted it and he was making me wait. It was almost more than I could stand. His hand slid along the side of my hip, up and down, and over my belly. He slipped a finger under the waistband of my sweatpants and his tongue finally slipped over my nipple. I yelped his name. My body throbbed inside. I was tingling all over. I felt a warm little shift between my legs and I knew I was wet, really wet.

His finger traced a smooth line down from my belly button to underneath my panties to just above THERE, and he did it over and over, slowly, as if he wasn't heading anywhere. His tongue was gliding in a circle around my nipple. He just kept slowly stroking that line, up and down. It was an amazing sensation, I could feel it inside me, I could feel my body moving inside along with his finger on my belly, and suddenly I wanted him to touch me lower, so badly that I wanted to beg for it. I did beg.

"Please," came out of me, in between breaths, "Angel, please,"

He kissed my mouth softly as his fingers moved down and my whole body arched up all at once, all of my muscles seemed to seize up. I was so wet, his fingers slipped over me and I felt really sensitive, it was more intense than when I touch myself, so much more intense that I wasn't even ready for it. He kissed me again on my mouth and went back to slowly licking my nipples and sucking on them. That would have been unbearable enough, but his fingers were teasing me slowly, slipping between my legs and then trailing over that one spot so lightly but right on target, because he knew just how, just how, his fingers were right on it, they traced these perfect circles and strokes. He was taking his time, like he always does, but it didn't matter how slowly he went, I was so gone already. My thighs hardened, my back bunched up, I felt the wetness flowing out of me. My body seemed to open and cry out for every touch. The scream ripped it's way out of my throat, I was pushing against his hand and he stroked a little harder and I just screamed because it was all I could do.

He brought his hand to his face and pressed his fingers to his lips and closed his eyes. He opened them and sucked the moisture off his fingers while he looked at me. His eyes were heavy, like he was on a drug. He shivered and almost sighed. If anybody else had done that it might have felt...dirty or something, but he made it look like he was taking a drink of cool water after a week running in the desert.

"Buffy," he said, his voice was full of wonder,as if I'd just given him the moon. He pushed his forehead up against mine and gazed at me, stroking hair away from my face. His eyes were soft and moist, but there weren't any tears, he was just sort of overflowing. I was recovering, I was still in the zone somewhere, still throbbing all over. He was kissing every inch of my face, my eyelids, my forehead, a line of tiny kisses up the bridge of my nose, slowly, so slowly. Finally my body started to cool down and a wave of sleepiness went over me. I looked him in the eye and I saw that he was sleepy, too. He felt me starting to move and he pulled my sweat pants back up, but he slid down to do it and he kissed my belly, one kiss really low, lingering, and my heart started racing again but I wanted to put him in bed. He felt me move and he pulled my sweats up and smiled up at me, his eyes were shining.

"Can I tuck you in?" I said. He stood up and scooped me into his arms and tossed me onto the bed. I felt a little freaky suddenly. I got up quickly. He stopped in mid-stride and looked at me closely.

"I shouldn't have done that," he said. I have no idea why I felt different in that moment, maybe it was being in his bed with him totally awake. Maybe it was what could have happened next, so easily.

"No," I looked at the floor, "It's OK,"

He took me in his arms and pressed his face in my hair. He pulled back and looked at me, his eyes going all the way into me. A wave of feeling went through me, it was so strong it knocked the air out of me.

"I-" I said, and then I realized what he'd almost said all this time, every time he stopped himself, because I almost did it. I almost told him I loved him. I was shaky all through. I already told him once, but that was different, he needed to know then, it was important. Now it would have been all emotional and really intense, too intense. I needed to go. I needed to get some air and think.

"I know," he said. He was wavering a little as he stood there, he was really tired, and still weak, but even then he understood what I needed, I could see it in his eyes, I could feel it. There was that feeling, the first feeling I ever had about him, that he accepted me and what I needed, no exceptions. He's always been like that. I never feel uncomfortable around him for more than a second at a time.

I grabbed his hips and tossed him onto the bed. He bounced in the pillows, smiling.

"Get some rest," I said, "I have to go be the Slayer,"

"Be careful," he said, "Spike's leftover minions will be around tonight. They'll be weak, but they'll be around,"

"Dust bunnies," I said. I kissed him.

It's a little weird, it's almost like when you know something you can't tell someone because you promised you wouldn't but it's right on the tip of your tongue all the time. It's one simple sentence but I just know it would change everything. I don't know how, or why. I know we both feel it. It would almost be a relief, to just say it and get it over with, but I'm still scared to. And I'm scared about him saying it...but I'm more scared he won't....I'm so confused.

On a gut level I love Slaying. I can't BELIEVE I just wrote that, but sometimes I do. It's simple. Really simple. Find vampire, stake vampire, go home. It's not always that easy, but most of the time it is. It beats school in a lot of ways. It beats a lot of things for simplicity. I don't want everything to be simple, it's just that I have two lives and I haven't even grown up yet. I guess I'm getting pretty close to grown up, though. Why is that depressing? I should be excited. But the guesswork is gone, there's no, "What will I be when I grow up?" For me, again, it's simpler. The question is, "Will I get to grow up?"

According to Angel, I will.

I believe him. He's pretty smart.