Buffy's Diary
December 5, 1997

Timeline: Entry made the night Buffy meets Ted, after meeting Giles in the park.

God, that's creepy! When did she meet him? Scared me to death, I thought somebody was after Mom...actually, I still have the feeling somebody's after Mom. How long has this been going on?

I don't like him.

I can hear everybody now.

But I don't like him, I've got a bad feeling. He's like, instant-family guy. Wanting the meeting me to be "perfect". "Gosh," he says.....who says GOSH???? What century is that word from? "Gosh," he says, "That makes you pretty important to me, too," Important???? He doesn't even know me!!!!

I just realized that I haven't been appreciating Angel in that way. He never says geeky things like, "Golly gee," or anything stupid like that. He doesn't act OLD. And not all vampires are like that, either. A lot of them are stuck in a decade. Angel just sort of goes with the now. I'll have to thank him for not putting me through the trauma of carbon-dated vocabulary. UGH!

He sure has Will and Xander won over, though. Already. He works fast. That's what it seems like. Like he's working us.

Ted. I don't know who the Hell this guy is or where he comes from but it's not good, I can just feel it, something is stinky here. What is Mom thinking? Sometimes I just look at her and I can't imagine how we're related. She's in this totally different zone. I mean, he's fat and everything. At least Dad runs in the morning. And Dad doesn't act like he knows everybody already. There's something about that that's really pushy. Computers, maybe, but the guy has a personality like a car salesman, like somebody who finds out your name and then uses it a the start of every sentence all day, as if using your name will work on you like a drug. It's...manipulative. That's the word I want.

And as usual, I'm the only one who sees it.

This is one of those times where having a Slayer sense SUCKS.

I went to Angel's late. I just really needed to talk.

"There's this guy..." I said. I stopped, because I was so upset it was like I forgot how to talk for a minute, "My Mom...met this guy, and he was at my house, and they kind of scared me because I didn't know about him and the door was open, and Xander and Willow like instantly love the guy, and he's acting like he OWNS my mother, and-"

"Sit down," he said softly.

I couldn't. I kept pacing. "I just...I don't like to be scared when it comes to my Mom, you know, and I don't know who he thinks he IS, and-"

"Your Mom had a date?"

"Apparently not the FIRST time, with him," I said, and I paused to get breath, "I guess this has been going on for a while now,"

"And she didn't tell you?"

"I guess he did some computer stuff at the gallery-"

"Lay down," he said.

I looked at him.


"Lay down on the floor,"

I had no idea what he was planning but I was so upset I didn't care. I laid down on the rug with my head on my arms. It slowed me down a little.

"I just have no idea...what she's THINKING, and I don't get why-" I heard a soft flop beside me. He had thrown some towels on the floor beside me. Then he threw down some cushions. "What are you doing?" I asked.

"What was your impression of him?" he asked. I heard him running water in the bathroom sink.

"Well-not good. Not good. All that peppy UP-talk. Yuck." I wasn't explaining myself well.

He knelt on the floor above my head.

"Roll over," he said. I did. He slid a folded towel under my head and brushed my hair up and away from my temples. I sighed.

"I'm sorry," I said.

His hands were warm. He must have warmed them up in hot water or something. He put his hands on the crown of my head and just held my head in his hands. The funniest thing happened. I felt the angst running out of me. He stroked my forehead and my temples lightly in sweeping motions, moving his thumbs across my eyebrows over and over. He slid his hands under my head and leaned back very slightly. I felt a big shuddering sigh start deep inside me and then escape. He stroked my face for a while, with practiced, smooth movements. He slowed gradually, then he kissed my forehead.

He was arranging cushions and towels beside me on the floor.

"Where did you learn that?" I asked him. My voice surprised me, it was calm.

"Around. Roll over," he said, pushing me, and I found myself lying on cushions with my head on my arms. He was rubbing his hands together. He put a hand on my arm. "Cold?" he asked me.

"No," I said.

His fingers went lightly up and down my back, over my bare shoulders and over the cloth of my top. He was being really thorough. His thumbs started moving more firmly up the back of my neck.

"Sometimes I wish you'd tell me things about you," I said.

"There's plenty of time for that," he said softly, and I felt warm inside. I was smiling.

"I bet there's a lot to tell," I said. I could almost feel him smiling. I heard him laugh softly.

"Take a deep breath," he said. I did. He pressed his thumb into a muscle in my back,"Let it out," he said, and when I did he very gradually pulled his thumb away and I could feel the nerves all the way through me letting go. It was starting to feel strange, though, I was starting to feel nervous somehow.

"Again," he said, and I took another breath, but when he pushed on another muscle I felt myself tense up. Something was rising in me.

"Let it go," he said. I did and it came out like a moan.

"Good," he said.

"I feel better," I said.

"Not yet," he said, and he did it again. This time I was really feeling something, it was looming up inside me and I was starting to fight it.

"Don't keep it in," he said.


"Breath out,"

I did, but it came out in a sob, and I tensed up. His hands moved over me again, very gently, until I started to relax again, but then he went right back to it. He had found something in me and he wasn't going to let it go. It freaked me a little, because it wasn't something I was into, I did not want to go there. I was starting to breathe harder.

"Deep," he said, "Don't breathe shallow, nice and deep," His hands moved over my back and then zeroed in on that spot again, and I felt something release. It wasn't good. I sobbed.

"Good," he said, and then it took me, all of this feeling out of nowhere. I cholked but I couldn't keep it back. I sobbed once, and then the gates opened. I have no idea where it came from but he seemed to be expecting it. He took me in his arms and I just let loose and cried.

"It's OK, it's OK," he kept whispering, and that just made it worse, I was groaning into his chest and shaking, and the tears just kept coming. I cried for a while and he held me like he always does, like somebody who's got all the time in the world and wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I pretty much emptied myself. He pushed me back onto the cushions and ran his hands over me in big, gentle strokes. I almost fell asleep. Then he was beside me on the floor and my head was on his chest.

"Thanks," I said. I didn't know what else to say.

He laughed. "Don't say that," he said gently.

"What should I say?"

He looked at me. He kissed my forehead.

"There's more bothering you than this new guy," he said.

"What do you mean?"

He kissed me. "Only you know what it is," he said.

I sighed. It still annoys me when he's cryptic, but I wasn't going to cop an attitude. I did feel a little better, really full of energy, after that. And, maybe he's right. He's right a lot. He's also frustrating a lot.

I changed the bandages on his hand and left, because I had to meet Giles in the park. Angel will be all the way back to full strength soon. It's a relief, but I'll miss the nursing thing a little. Not enough to see him hurt again, though. Ever.

So....maybe the message from all of this is, I'm overreacting. Giles acted like he almost felt sorry for that vampire I killed. So maybe I'm being hysteria girl. I should consider that. I really should. This shouldn't be bothering me so much. I should chill. But I have a really dark feeling about all of this. I will try. But I'm not going to walk around in a Ted haze. Something isn't right, it just isn't right.